Remember back when you used to be able to say, “Jesus, the whole world is in turmoil! Everyone is crazy! Except for Australia, and that just gives me a good feeling. Thank God for this one remaining bastian of tanned, sun-bleached civility.” Well not so fast there, pumpkin pants. What….the….FUCK is going on in Australia? There are white supremacists in the country that produced Crocodile Dundee?! When the sweet, sweet lord did that happen? Australia is like, back me up here, the most laid back country in the world, right? Look at these pictures. These people are 100% loco in the cabeza. Jesus. People, when Australia starts to lose its shit, you’d better get right with your maker. I’m just saying. Think about it.
I don’t like Harper’s Bazaar. And I like Renee Zellweger even less. Don’t get me started, seriously. But I really hate HB because a few years ago, they said RZ was too fat to be on their cover. Renee Zellweger has never been fat. Even when she gained weight to play Bridget Jones, about which I am thrilled I no longer have to read every damn day. As happy as I will assuredly be to no longer have to read about Reese Fucking Witherspoon doing “all her own singing” in Walk the Line. Please God. Please end that 15 minutes.
Anyway, I bring this up because I was chatting with a friend today via email about this article I’d read on the Harper’s website. We got halfway through an interesting discussion about federally funded high-school abstinence programs when she wrote, “I can’t freaking believe Harper’s Bazaar would write an article like that.” I gently and lovingly called her a dumbass and pointed out that Harper’s and Harper’s Bazaar were two toooooootally different animals. Totally. Nothing in common. NOTHING. Got that? Harper’s = good. Harper’s Bazaar = fattist asshats. The more you know…
Anyway, I was reading this article from Harper’s-Not-Harper’s-Bazaar today. It was referenced on Salon.com. Is anyone else addicted to getting pissed off from reading the daily Broadsheet? Just me? Okay. Here ya go: http://harpers.org/BlueBallsForTheRedStates.html. For real, go read this because you can NOT miss the parable about the knight.
Granted, I come from a denomination whose entire stance on women can be summed up in one word: SUBMIT! So I may be a little sensitive about all this. And that’s about as close to a disclaimer as you’re gonna get from me.
The article consists of excerpts from some of the teaching materials from Bush’s abstinence curriculum. Aaa, Abstinance. To quote my favorite t-shirt, “yeah, I was in the shit.” I remember abstinance well. I never wore a True Love Waits ring, but I was chaste and pure and shunned even the Silver Bullet.
Until I was 27 and wondered if I were truly winning any God Points and said, “ah, fuck it.” Literally. And that was that. What’s interesting to me is this excerpt from the curriculum:
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Circle the item(s) that can be totally eliminated through the use of a condom: infertility, isolation, jealousy, poverty, heartbreak, pregnancy, AIDS, substance abuse, genital herpes, unstable long-term commitments, meaningless wedding, distrust of others, sexual violence, cervical cancer, personal disappointment, feelings of being used, pelvic inflammatory disease, loss of reputation, suicide.
Now cross out the item(s) that can be eliminated by being abstinent until marriage. (same choices)
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For the record, I don’t think pre-marital sex has the market cornered on causing distrust of others, unstable long term commitments, personal disappointments, feelings of being used, loss of reputation, suicide, jealousy, isolation, poverty, heartbreak or substance abuse. And damn sure not sexual violence. These people are telling me that cervical cancer can be eliminated by waiting until marriage to get your freak on? So cancer is more like a moral disease than say, a scientific one. Wow. My personal favorite is “meaningless wedding.” Hahahahahahahahaha. It makes me think of that part in The Nutty Professor when the grandma asks Jada Pinkett-Smith if she can wear white at the wedding. Awesome.
Now here’s what I wanted to ask you about:
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While a man needs little or no preparation for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation.
5 Major Needs of Women:
Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment
5 Major Needs of Men:
Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Domestic Support
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Hours of preparation? Hours? Hours. Did they let ANY women proofread this book before it went to print?
It’s not that it’s all total 100% bullshit. It’s that this is represented as a complete and official list. They’re quizzing kids about this. In school. “List the five major needs of men and women.” Kids are memorizing this right now for exams. Men NEED admiration? Is this true? Men? I know you read my website. I’m asking. You are telling me that you are genetically hardwired to need a hot kayaking buddy who puts out, thinks you’re The Man and can keep house? Is that it? There’s nothing deeper. That’s your basic instinctual need. That’s what you’re telling me. You’d be happy with just that for 40 years. You don’t have any kind of need for affection, intelligence, debate, conversation, honesty, openness, family commitment or, let’s be honest, a little financial support would be nice?
Because as a woman, I’m not marrying your sorry ass if there’s no sexual fulfillment in it for me. Or admiration. Or domestic support. I can live without the recreational companionship cause I’ve got my own thing going there. And physical attractiveness, meh. If you’ve got everything else, I’m not going to turn you down because your hairline is receding and you’re not exactly at fighting weight. And any man or woman who would is an idiot. That is not my opinion. That is a statement of fact.
I have a suggested restructure for this section of the textbook. Maybe something along the lines of:
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10 Major Needs of Relationships:
Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support, Family Commitment, Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Physical Attractiveness, Admiration, Domestic Support
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There will be a quiz later. Discuss.
all i can say is hahahahahahahahahahaha
that was great!!