A response to Cameron Diaz

It’s not that she only made the one statement about people not taking her seriously as an actress because of her looks. If it were just the once, or even the twice, I could look past it. But Cameron Diaz is, by the sound of it, obsessed with her own looks, and if she has said it once, she’s said it a hundred times. Poor me, I’m so beautiful I get advantages. I feel it’s time for some tough love. Well, tough like anyway.

1. Cameron Diaz, I was going to start by saying that you look not unlike the Joker. But that would be rude and spoken in anger. So I will rephrase. You are not the most beautiful woman in the world. Attractive, yes. But the way you talk you sound like everyone in Hollywood is so blinded by your awesome beauty that they can barely stand to gaze upon your glorious countenance, much less take you seriously as an actress because of it. THIS woman is that beautiful:

You = Aishwarya Rai’s cute friend, at best. Get over yourself.

2. You are eternally complaining that your beauty means that people think that’s the only reason you’re a successful actress. You looking for a good cause behind which to throw your celebrity? How about Darfur. Or domestic violence. Or the AIDS crisis. Honestly, Cameron Diaz, how is this even a real issue? You need a new cause celebre. The flyover zone is never going to sympathize with you about this.

3. If it please the jury, your recent quote: “If a woman who is a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, ‘Do you think you made it because you’re ugly? So why should there be prejudice against someone who’s had some success in films and looks a little better than average? It’s all in my genes, so don’t hold it against me.” Where to even begin on this crapulence? Cameron, do you actually even KNOW any 300 pound successful actresses? Do you? No. You do not. And would you like to know why? Because Hollywood only wants the unnaturally beautiful people. Like you, my queen. Now a 300 pound man with warts would probably get his own sitcom. But a woman? Not gonna happen.

And furthermore, fuck you Cameron Diaz. Right in the ear. I have never weighed 300 pounds but I have been pretty damn close. I am still to this day, well, zaftig. I have even, in fact, had a wart on my hand. And I? Am not ugly. I will never be discovered by Wilhelmina in the food court at the mall but I am not ugly. I am average, like most of the people in this country. Yeah, I got your point, I see what you were saying there. But still. Fuck you.

Which brings me to my third point. The fact of the matter is, your looks have everything to do with you being a successful actress. I’m not saying you are bad at it, in fact I think you’re a pretty good actress. But Hollywood is chock full of really excellent actors, hell there are better actors than you in Nashville, but the difference between you is that you got a break and they haven’t yet. And do you know why you got that break? Your looks. And that is the only reason. So quit whining about it, collect your money and just be grateful.

4. “I’m trying to broker peace in the Middle East but no one will take me seriously because I have better than average looks.” Now, I could sympathize with that. I could get behind that. The general public probably wouldn’t roll its collective eyes at that statement. But you are not brokering peace in the middle east. You are an actress.

Look, I too am an actress. Have been for many, many years. I don’t make a living at it, but I am deeply entrenched in the theatre culture and I clearly have a vested interest in acting and think it holds a very important place in society. But I also realize that I am not curing cancer here. Or stopping global warming. Or halting oppression against women and children. I am an actress. And frankly, I’m not sure most actors in Hollywood get that. Maybe it’s our fault for giving them such an inflated sense of importance by demanding to see and read more and more about them. I don’t know. But there are some actors even here in town who freak out and behave as though life as we know it hangs in the balance of ticket sales and, god help us, good reviews.

It wears me out.

Cameron Diaz, you wear me out. And don’t even act like you aren’t reading this. You know you Google yourself and read everything you find. I mean, I do. Don’t all the beautiful people?