I have never been married. I am 34 years old. I am pretty happy with this arrangement, despite the fact that in Baptist terms, it makes me officially a spinster and therefore a life term Vacation Bible School teacher and Sunday morning nursery worker. In fact, if I’m talking to a guy and the conversation sounds like it may be marching with ill deserved confidence in the direction of a date request, I break out in a cold sweat and start to panic. I’m not sure what that’s all about, I didn’t grow up around any scarring marriages, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Not in a pining way, more in a what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me way. Maybe my expectations for a husband are unrealistic and I know I am unlikely to find what I’m looking for. As my friend said to me recently, “you know, Rach, we all settle. Just a little.” And lord knows I’m not saying I’m Debutante of the Year up in here. But. But. I just read this article by Rabbi Shmuley and you know I just have such a crush on that guy from watching Shalom in the Home. My family would be so thrilled if I brought him home. Actually, a nice jewish guy would be great compared to what I’m usually offering up at the holidays (“I invited my (ethnic), 65 year old, muslim, prison ministry boyfriend to Thanksgiving dinner but he’s spending the day with his baby mamas so he couldn’t make it.”) Ba dum bum. It never gets old.
Anyway. I’m interested to hear what other people think of this article by the Rabbi. For me personally, I am completely in love with the idea of being chosen. I would like to think that that’s what both women and men want. I am not, however, as desperate to be the center of someone’s universe. That sounds a little needy to me and lord knows I can’t stand some guy who needs to be in my hip pocket all the time or wants me in his. I want someone who wants me, not someone who needs me. Don’t I? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know what I want. I find that this seems to be a recurring theme amongst single people my age. What do we know about marriage?
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“That core desire of being chosen by a man, being placed at the center of his universe, is simply eluding them and leading to misery and depression.”
Oh my goodness, I hardly know where to start. Let me just say that as a 44 year old divorced woman whose ex put me at “the center of his universe” so that he could keep a closer eye on me and beat me up without having to go find me first, the last thing I want is to be the center of anyone’s universe, except possibly my own.
Ooops, sorry! Didn’t mean to be bitter there! I do believe in love. And whether we “settle” or “choose”, love continues to grow and/or change throughout a relationship. And sometimes what you thought you wanted at the beginning of a relationship turns out to be not what you wanted at all. And sometimes you end up with more love than you ever thought possible.
And why is it that something is ‘wrong’ with being single at 34? As in never married. It’s okay if you’re divorced, but NEVER married?? What’s wrong? Women are spinsters and old maids, but men, they’re bachelors. It’s not fair. I too, would like to be chosen. I also want to do the choosing. I want us both to think that we’re super lucky and won the spousal lottery. It takes a might good husband to be better than none at all.
“We all settle. Just a little.”?!?!
I am so grossed out by this I about can’t even say. No, I’m not married, so I can’t say for sure, but dang, that seems so wrong and insulting to one’s spouse.
I get that being married means you have to do a lot compromising, but settling?
No, I think there’s something wrong with settling. That just seems incredibly disrespectful to the person you’re with–”Oh well, you’re the best I could do. I guess I’ll take you.”
Why shouldn’t you be able to be delighted with the person you marry? Why shouldn’t you be able to feel like you made a good choice? That doesn’t seem to be too much to ask.
B, about the “we all settle thing”, I’m going to assume that what that means is that even the most perfect match for us falls short of our “ideal”. I wouldn’t have used that word because it’s quite loaded, but I understand completely.
I guess you could say I “chose” my wife, but I never felt that way. Maybe it’s the Christian framework, but I always felt she was chosen FOR me.
“Chose” sounds too much like standing in a car lot, pointing, and saying “I’ll take the red one”.
Deciding to marry the woman who is now my wife was more akin to settling into an easy chair than cliff diving.
Never settle… Marriage is a give and take and requires hard work. We seem to put so much more into our jobs, homes, and such that we neglect not just marriages but relationships in general.
I have been married less than a year; however, it was a journey of 12 years of friendship that got me to where we now are. Both of us “settled” for our first spouses and we now see where that got us.
There is nothing wrong with being 34 and never having been married nor “pining” about marriage. You are who you are and that is what is most important.
Re: Settling.
Yes, it happens. I settled for my husband. He’s not perfect.
But he WOULD be if he could cook.
Hehehe. Sara, my qualification is whether or not a man can dust.
Well I’m not pining for marriage here or anything but I’m glad to hear from those in the know that it’s a good thing that I haven’t settled. Because you know sometimes you hear that shit from like, old female relatives.
Wow. The part that first disturbed me was “Husbands today seem incapable of truly making their wives happy…”
I’ve been married for over 5 years and I’ve never considered my husband to be responsible for my happiness, probably because I’m under the dellusion that I’m in control of my own life. Damn, and to find out now that I was wrong… what a kick in the pants.
I don’t know about anyone else, but what I’ve always wanted in a spouse was a friend. I wanted an equal. I’m not bearing HIS children, I’m bearing OUR children. I’m not fixing his supper, I’m fixing our dinner. I CHOSE to take his last name because I wasn’t that attached to my own and believe me, it was a strong consideration to keep it.
But then, I guess that’s my answer to what Freud was asking. What I want is to be equal. Is that really so hard to figure out?
I agree with the Rabbi. My attention wells are never so full as when poured into by the attentiveness of a beautiful man. What’s the point of getting married otherwise?
I mean, for the love of God, even a Pomeranian needs eye contact and a belly rub every day…
Now that I think about it, daily eye contact and a belly rub may be all I would really need from marriage…
saucygirl, you are so right that you cannot ask a man to be responsible for your happiness (nor can I ask that of a woman).
The “equality” in our marriage exists, but we rarely think about it, because we, in our minds, have personified our marriage. Literally. We have me, her, and that person that is both of us – PLUS , that we call “our marriage” because we couldn’t think of a snazzy name. Neither of us are “equal” to this third, superperson; it is greater than the sum of its parts.
I know I’m talking crazy, but we treat each anniversary as a birthday. Over the years, it has been, “our marriage is now in kindergarden”, “our marriage just started the 5th grade”, “our marriage is old enough to drive”. In one month, we’ll be saying, “or marriage is one year away from being able to buy beer”.
I guess what I’m saying is the secret to a long, happy marriage is getting beyond “me” and “you” and letting “us” take over, because he/she/it is stronger than both of you put together seperately. Friendship is key, but having the ability to surrender self (not to your partner, but to the marriage) is even more important.
Your mileage may vary; it’s worked for us
A little late on this, but, what Saucy Girl and Slarti said. Yeah.
Being in love is nothing more and nothing less than chemistry on one or all levels, a connection you both experience thru sex mainly.
Being able to love and loving is a whole ‘nother story.
Being “in love” with a man is SIMPLY he does it for you.
We all know what that means.
So when you say you’re not “in love” with your husband, what you really mean is he doesn’t do it for you sexually or mentally.
saucygrrl: The 2nd last paragraph you wrote, aren’t you talking about an ideal life, I agree that thats what one should really aim for, but is it really possible to find many people thinking on the same lines as you are?