No pun intended.
Also, this is an overdone topic and I can’t believe I’m even writing about it. But I just felt the need to get it out there for the record. And isn’t that the whole reason Al invented teh innernets in the first place?
I think I only know one person, ONE, who had a good Christmas. And it’s because she refuses to spend it with her family because they make her miserable. Why do people who really don’t particularly like each other force themselves to have together time for the holidays, just because they share DNA? Is it really that important? Really? Blood relation? Why are you ruining a perfectly lovely time of year because of some bizarrely held feelings of obligation to people with whom you just really don’t connect at all? And do you ever look at your blood relations and think, “how in the hell did I come from this?” Not necessarily in a holier-than-thou way. Just in a way that comments upon how utterly and incredibly weird and unlikely it is that you have not one single thing in common, yet your background is so similar. And y’all, I mean not One. Single. Thing.
I am a huge proponent of the urban tribe. Choosing your family. I can name ten people right this second with whom I would love to spend every holiday. And I’m not sure I can name five of my blood relatives about whom I can say the same. It’s sad really. My mother was so close to all of her extended family when she was growing up. My dad too. But as adults, as extended families have grown and spread, the educational and socio-economic divide between the branches has just made it pert-near impossible for us to connect. I love most of them. I do. But a few of them I would just really prefer not to be related. And Christmas appears to have become a time when people can’t focus on peace, love and good food. It’s become a time of stress and tears and insecurity and tongue-biting and whispered conversation in the back room and rolled eyes and ohmygodweneedanintervention. Because for some reason, nothing brings all of that crap out like immediate family.
It pisses me off. I don’t ever want to hear again that one of my beautiful, awesome-sauce friends has been made to feel bad by some asshat in her family. I don’t want to ever come home myself on the verge of tears over some situation again. Or more intensely disliking a family member. I want Christmas to stop being so family-oriented. Unless you want it to be. I want the pressure to socialize with people you’d rather not see to be lifted and I want every person to feel completely free to have chosen friends and family over to his or her home for good times and love fest and appreciation and blessing counting and all those things that family should provide but DNA doesn’t. Necessarily.
And that? Is my Christmas wish.
Which prompts a reprinting of this Steve Martin classic. My friend Don and I quote this to each other every year around this time:
“If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe. And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can’t think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she’s behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it. Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y’know? No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They’re not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it’s worth! So — we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we got with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.”
I opted out of spending Christmas with my (mean-spirited, gossipy, vindictive) family. Instead, I went to the movies (I Am Legend), went for a long walk, ate a lot of good food, and just relaxed. And a good time was had by me.
Thanks for the validation!
Yes, I stayed away from my extended family — who have their ways at other times of the year and it’s easier to deal with their beloved squirrellyness when I’m not obligated to act like someone I used to be or never really was. It was really nice to talk to them and equally nice to hang up the phone and go to bed not all stressed out and sad. When I do go see my family next week, that too will be good, because football is really more of our thing these days.
Highly recommended.
See, now I am all for the movie thing for Christmas. I think Sweeney Todd would have been an excellent way to celebrate. Mmmmmm…. Alan Rickman….
Football is another good option because you don’t really have to talk to anyone else if you don’t want to. It’s like a movie with a person you’re not sure you want to date. And then if you are strapped for something to discuss, there’s always the game. Or the movie. I’m confusing myself. I think I’m just saying that media helps. And therapy.
[...] The Recovering Baptist wonders about why the holiday must bring family together: Why do people who really don’t particularly like each other force themselves to have together time for the holidays, just because they share DNA? Is it really that important? Really? Blood relation? Why are you ruining a perfectly lovely time of year because of some bizarrely held feelings of obligation to people with whom you just really don’t connect at all? And do you ever look at your blood relations and think, “how in the hell did I come from this?” Not necessarily in a holier-than-thou way. Just in a way that comments upon how utterly and incredibly weird and unlikely it is that you have not one single thing in common, yet your background is so similar. [...]
This is why it’s good to live far, far away from the extended family. There have been times I’ve longed to be able to spend Christmas with them, but, then I think if I did live close enough to, they probably wouldn’t invite me anyway.
[...] “Why are you ruining a perfectly lovely time of year because of some bizarrely held feelings o… [...]