Do you remember the books you used in elementary school to learn to read? Here are mine:

I started kindergarten in 1976 and in MY day, the school told parents not to teach their kids to read before starting school, because they had to follow the curriculum of teaching us the alphabet and if we could already read, we would be bored. Ahh, the 70s. So. My first day of school I informed my mother I was NOT going back because they didn’t teach me to read. (end mildly amusing anecdote and my mother’s favorite school story about me) Anyway, for some reason, one day A Duck is a Duck popped into my head and then Helicopters and Gingerbread and I thought (no idea why) that I would really like to see these books again. So I went to Amazon and lo and behold, someone was actually selling them there. So I bought them. This is back when I was gainfully employed, btw, and spent money like it was going out of style. (Lesson #1 of being unemployed, you learn how to wisely spend money and vow you will never blow it on stupid crap again, knowing damn good and well that you will.)

 

I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection lately. I mean, A LOT. People, I could do a friggin’ PBS fundraiser with Dr. Wayne Dyer about meditiation and being positive and Your Best Life. Wayne would, of course, be pacing around on stage doing all the work in his pajamas and I would be sitting in the rock garden stage left providing the snark. But BY GOD would would raise PBS some serious cash. My point, and I do have one, is that part of this unemployment-slash-interpersonal-relationship-hell inspired EatPrayLove fest has been looking back at this, what is undoubtedly the halfway point in my life, as I am clearly having a mid-life crisis, and getting all nostalgic. So I went back and looked at these books again. WHOO BOY they are 70s-riffic, y’all. The illustrations and pictures made me LAWL. These books were originally published around 1969 and then recopywrighted in ‘73 and ‘76. So YOU know what’s up in here.

Oh my god I am SO OLD. I found a section in One to Grow On about the Wave of the Future. Something called, “computers.” Behold 1976:

My brothers both had shirts like this.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It looks like he could expect a coffee cup to drop down in the opening and start filling up with cappuccino. It’s like the computers in the Hepburn/Tracy movie Desk Set. Which is terrific, by the way. You should watch it.

 

The Tele. Typewriter. LOL. At least it’s a fashionable olive green. Well, you know. For the 70s. Incidentally, this photo encapsulates what my whole house looked like when I bought it, before the renovations started. Welcome. Come on in. Have a pina colada.

 

Dear Future, I hope komputerz in the future do not develop to such a point that there are lots of video games that will paralyze my common sense with the mind-blowing juxtaposition of fun and utter dysfunction. Also, please don’t let mommy and daddy get a divorce. (too dark? I can never tell.)

 

Oi! You kids! Don’t sit on the shelves in the library! *mumbling* Stupid kids… god I can’t wait…. 5 more years and I’ve got enough to retire… (I used to teach school. Can you tell?)

 

I used to have a purple dress just like this. My mom made it for me. Including the rickrack around the bottom. Also, homerow keys, kid! Good lord, public schools teach NOTHING.

 
These books are geared toward kids in the first through second or third grades, tops. Interestingly, I found this in the back of one of them:

Don’t do it, Robin McNamara. You’re only in third grade. This kid has been held back so many times he drives himself to school and smokes during recess. He’ll tell you he loves you, talk you into drinking the half empty bottle of Tanqueray he found and then end up threatening you when he gets out of juvie if you don’t visit him there every weekend. Stick with the cello lessons, Robin. You have so much to live for.