Main Khiladi Tu Anari (1994)
Starring:
Akshay Kumar, Saif Ali Khan, Shilpa Shetty
Saif Ali Khan is too cute for human consumption. I could just carry him around in my pocket all day. He is the funniest guy in Bollywood (and probably the best actor.) Aksahy Kumar is cute when he smiles, but that only happens twice in this long ass movie. I’m talking LONG people.
Karan and Arjun (no relation to the terrible movie) are brothers and cops. Arjun gets killed by a mafia boss who looks more like a 70s porno director. Karan vows revenge. Deepak is a famous actor. He’s tired of playing romantic leads and wants to play a tough guy. After seeing Karan in action, he gets permission to follow him around and research a cop role. A street ho is identical to the only eye-witness to Arjun’s murder, who was also murdered by the mafia goon. Karan sends her to live with the mafia goon and spy on him. Karan’s sister (who looks 14) falls in love with Deepak but because Karan haaaaaates him, he sets up this elaborate scheme with his partner to get rid of Deepak. It is the most convoluted, unlikely scenario on earth but horrifying to Deepak, who then discovers the truth and gets all mad about it. I would too, holy shit it was horrible what they did to him.
So on to the ending(s): the two guys make peace and ruin the mafia goon’s latest scheme. Yay! Movie’s over!
But wait! Then the mafia guy catches the street ho spying on him (and of course by this time, Karan has fallen for her. Mostly because she and Deepak got him drunk one night and tricked him into thinking that he ruined her virtue and now he has to marry her. Oddly unvirtuous for a Bollywood film. Not to mention a shitty thing to do.) So Karan and Deepak go to rescue her. They make an exchange. Everything is fine. Yay! Movie’s over!
But wait! The mafia guy also has Karan’s sister and sister-in-law! So they start shooting and punching and get away with the women. Movie’s over?
But wait! They get captured again! They are taken back to the hideout and Karan is tortured until he finally escapes. Yay? Movie’s…..<sigh>
Wait. Mafia guy is there and has a gun! Someone shoots him from afar. I can’t say who because for this whole last part I was fastforwarding. This movie was far too seriously long by half. So at the end, Deepak has finally made his cop movie and Karan hates it. They end up shaking hands in the lobby, which considering all that has happened in the last four hours for the audience, is a little bit anti-climactic.
The street ho, by the way, is named Basanti, which is the name of an Italian restaurant in town. Every time they said her name, “Basanti!” I yelled, “more bread sticks!” (it can be really annoying to watch these movies with me.) The dialogue here was particularly wretched and you could practically see Saif Ali Khan forcing the words out of his mouth and rolling his eyes. One funny part: Deepak is fighting with a random goon and the goon is about to punch him. Deepak says, “wait, could you say ‘action’, please?” Goon: “What?” Deepak: “say ‘action’. Please.” Goon: (in a small voice) “action?” Then Deepak punches the crap out of him. See? Now that was cute. It wasn’t Mel Brooks, but it was cute. Would it kill these screenwriters to take note?
