You know what time it is. It’s time to P! T! L! on the TBN!! That’s right, it’s time for Praise the Lord on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. And let me just tell you something. This network would be NOTHING without Jan and Paul Crouch!! They made this network and they can BREAK IT! You are nothing without them, TBN. Don’t even try!
Tonight’s VERY special guest starts are Natalie Cole and MC Hammer. WOOO!!!
Natalie kicks things off with a song, and I have to say I have never in my life seen a singer look this bored during a song. Dead fish eyes. She does most of the song with her arms crossed in front of her. Halfway through the song, which is supposed to be glorifying and bringing attention to Our Lord, her fan club information flashes up on the screen. Awesome. There’s a disturbing half Asian half black guy with long hair sitting behind her on the stage, and a woman sporting garden weasel bangs with her roots showing. PEOPLE, it is a GOOD NIGHT on the TBN! Natalie wants everybody to know that troubles will come. Yes they will! Oo, this should have been Hammer’s song. Although you know what I love about him? He’s in a commercial making fun of himself for blowing through all his money. I love him. Still. I do. Hammer just took over emcee duties and informed the audience that no matter what the holy spirit axes us to do… oh my god, that half Asian looking guy is Smokey Robinson!! Sorry about that. He looks weird though. I think Smokey’s had some work done. Or he is very, very high.
Hammer does a little preaching next. Which is incidently what he does for a living now. In addition to making national commercials, which ought to keep him out of debt for a while because you can make some serious money with those. He’s bald now. Did you know that when someone touched the hem of Jesus’ garment, that “Jesus turned around and axed ‘who did that?’” I like the thought of Jesus using the hip hop vernacular. Axed. Word. Yo. The popo. Boff ‘a’ dem gotta go. I also like to think that Jesus would have worn parachute pants if it would have brought more people into the kingdom. Glory!!
I am not kidding y’all, Natalie Cole looks like she is scanning the room for some drain cleaner to swallow. And Kirk Franklin is in the hizzouse. Heh, Hammer just called Natalie Cole “Nat.” Oops. He’s all worked up. Please Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em! The people are loving them some MC. “You can’t die for me because somebody already did dat!” Yeah, that one got a standing ovation. Smokey is looking around like he’s not quite sure what is going on or where the hell Jay Leno is. Cause his agent said this was Leno.
Please know that I have heard more than the average human’s share of sermons in my time but I have no clue what the hell Hammer is talking about here. I think he has now touched on every single story in the bible. Oh here we go, MC Hammer’s fan club information. Excuse me, “MC Hammer Ministries.” Totally different. I don’t know, he’s talking about christian movies now and who gets the credit for them. Who the hell would want credit? They’re terrible. I love me some Lord but I wouldn’t spend 45 cents to see one of those Left Behind movies. Utter crap. He just admitted that he watches rated R movies and his kids play violent video games. Kids! Don’t be like Hammer! Honest to god people, I have no…. what is he talking about? Garden weasel bangs is standing up now. I hope she’s got a big crook to pull him off the stage hidden back there there because MC is off the charts here. They’ve got the piano going in the background for emphasis.
Here comes Natalie again. This one’s an original. I don’t care what she sings as long as it’s not Unforgettable. Am I right?
Your gift of love or pledge tonight will get you a Walgreens-looking-crafted “porcelain” “keepsake” box that opens up and has a gold painted coin, some frankencense and myrrh inside. Where is my checkbook? Christmas gifts all round! What breaks my heart is that about 500 old people just said the same thing. Only they weren’t kidding.
Aaaaand show’s over. Oh, this was just a little PTL teaser. A little taste. Little somthin’ somthin’ to get you to tune in later for Jan and Paul. Check it out y’all. The Lord’ll bless ya’.